Anna Nalick: Breathe

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him,
winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critisize,
hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
and life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
you shout 'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longerinside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
woah breathe, just breathe,
oh breathe, just breathe.
oh breathe,just breathe

I feel like...

SCREAMING TO THE TOP OF MY LUNGS TODAY! Recently I heard that doing that can help lower your blood pressure. I need a soundproof room! I also feel the need to either punch something or stab down pillows with a knife. Ever have one of those days?

Something funny: an 80 something year old lady, who is a little crazy and looks 80, told me today and I quote:

"My son is 50 years old and I date men who are 50 years old. I'm a bit of a "cougar" that way. I don't like the old men, they are too stuffy and just want to sit around. I like to go out and do stuff."

I wasn't sure how to respond. It made me laugh after she left!

86 vs 26

So, apparently I have some kind of weird disease where my internal body ages at a much faster rate than the outside. I am about to turn 26 and I currently have two old people diseases and possibly a third. I have diverticulitis & must have a colonoscopy every five years for the rest of my life, I also have high cholesterol for which I should be taking medicine but I have a year to try and lower it naturally, and then yesterday my eye dr. said he was going to watch the hole in my occular nerve b/c it is larger than normal people and I may need to be tested for glaucoma. Last time I checked all these things are supposed to only afflict the elderly. I also get heartburn like my grandma. Can't I just go back to being healthy like I was in High School?

We saw "Knowing" this weekend. I liked it. It made you think about the future. Not sure it was worth my $19 and that was for a matinee. Why the heck are movie prices so high?

I'm going to go read some hollywood gossip now.

Dear Self,

Where have you gone? Who have you become? What happened? I miss the person you used to be. Outgoing, socialite who floated from one conversation to another on the bleachers at your high school during the basketball game. The one who had self-confidence, who was willing to try anything. What happened to the dangerous side? The one who climbed across a rotting beam about 150 feet above jagged rocks and a waterfall in adidas slippers. Are you somewhere in there? Is that who you really were or were you just pretending all those years? What have you let life do to you? I know change is inevitable but must you change so much? Please let me know when parts of the old person will be emerging. I would like to have a conversation with that girl. Look forward to seeing her.

Truly yours,
Your former self

Open mouth Insert foot, not me this time

I was busy checking up on the latest Hollywood Gossip and I came across an article about Kanye West dating a girl named Amber Rose. About that time a friend walked into my office and this was our conversation.

ME: Kanye West is dating a girl named Amber Rose.

Friend: Oh, is she a porn star?

ME: I don't know, why??

Friend: Because that is a Porn Name!

ME: Uh, that's my name!!

Friend: OH! (as he turns red and starts to nervously laugh)

ME: Get out of my office.

We both laughed about it b/c I really don't get offended easily, but it was still funny to see him get really uncomfortable for a few minutes. He didn't know what to do.

Turns out that supposedly she is or was a stripper. LOL! May need to think twice before passing on the family name (Rose).

Handicap Bathrooms

My questions are: Is it ok to use them when your not handicap? Are there certain rules when using a handicap bathroom? What about when you are at work where you know no one is handicap is it ok then but not ok in public restrooms? Do handicap people have to wait in line or do they automatically get to go the front of the line and into the handicap stall? Have you ever been in a handicap stall and then come out and there is a handicap person there giving you the stink eye? How do handicap people look at this situation vs. how we unhandicap people look at it?

I always feel a little wierd using the handicap bathroom, like I'm breaking some unspoken rule. I have seen people wait longer in line to go into a normal bathroom vs taking the open handicap stall. However, if no handicap person is in line, doesn't it make sense to use it and move the line along? I'm just curious.

Babies

So, ever since i was a little girl I wanted a child, a baby, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. As I grew older and kept my little cousin, I realized it was not all sunshine and rainbows, but I still had that desire, just now i didn't want it right away, it could wait. As I got even older, I had this feeling, call it women's intuition whatever, but I felt like it was going to be difficult for me to get pregnant. I had one medical reason to believe this and other not so medical reasons. So when I got married and for some time before that, I just started thinking maybe I don't want kids. They are a pain, they blame all their problems on you, usually they end up being bratty, they drain your money & emotions & physical ability. yeah, I just wont' have them. Plus, when I want something and I get it in my head, I'm pretty persistent & impatient. I didn't want to wind up being one of those couples who gets pregnant right away and I knew if I let myself want a kid, I would want it right away. So I just started saying "I don't know if I want kids" or "I don't think I want kids". Which part of me did believe. Everyone tries to convince you that you will one day want them or they ask why you would say that or they bug you to death about when your going to have kids. Blah Blah Blah. Deep down I wanted kids, I always wanted kids, I want kids. Stop bugging me!!

When we got married, we said maybe in 5 years we would think about having kids if we had changed our minds about the whole kid thing. Well we are about to reach the 3 year mark (in about 4 months). I still had this nagging feeling that it was not going to be easy. Well due to some issues with my BC and the fact that i was trying to find a decent OBGYN, I ended up at this fertility specialist who also took just regular patients. I was a regular patient, however she ran some additional tests and did an ultrasound. It was very thorough and interesting. Turns out, without going into the gruesome details of my menstrual cycle and medical issues, I will probably need some sort of fertility drugs to get pregnant. It's not definite but the likelihood of it is high. Now I'm not a regular patient. I would like to try on our own for a while w/o the drugs to see if we could get pregnant. However, if we wait the 5 years and then try on our own for a year or more and then go to medicine and try for a while, I'm going to be older than I would like to be having our first kid. I know this is the worst case scenario, hello your reading a blog titled
Ponderings of a Pessimist, did you expect anything other then the worst?? I don't necessarily want kids right away but I don't want to wait for another couple of years either. So my secret dream of wanting kids may be crushed before I even get to admit that it was a dream of mine.

So, now I'm going to be that girl who puts on a happy face every time someone bugs her about getting pregnant and says something like "oh well, we'll see maybe sometime soon", when secretly she is trying to have a baby and being unsuccessful. That is why people should just mind their own freaking business.

Sometimes I hate being Pessimistic.